i'm babbling, and i sound insane.

it kills me that i dont think i'll ever be 100% over him. its almost a year to the day, if not exactly a year, and knowing that he's with someone else makes me...jealous almost. there's really something about assholes that attracts girls. i'm ashamed to admit it, and i apologize to all the nice guys out there, but as much as i do like truly nice guys, i like the assholes too.
but are all guys you dont end up with assholes? i could look at it one way, and see him as this womanizing, mean, couldnt give a shit about anything, asshole. and i could look at it the other way and just remember how funny he was, and how he seemed like a guy with good intentions the first day we met, and how he kissed me on the forehead. was he a jerk, or was he just a "guys' guy". why does it matter? why am i thinking about it?
i don't want to be the girl currently with him. im getting more out of my current relationship every day than i got out of all the months i spent with him.
so why the conflicting feelings? i guess i wonder if he ever really cared about me, or if i was a conquest. sometimes it felt like he did care about me, but was it all an act? why am i "jealous" of this girl hes with? i guess i just wonder where it could have went, if we continued dating.
i'm babbling, and i sound insane.

(2005-03-26 - 4:11 a.m.)