love

Well, that was an emotional night.

I saw The Boyfriend last night when he got home from his cousins' house. Something was off.

"You deserve better than I can give."

I felt like the wind was knocked out of me. He went on to tell me he's been treating me like garbage, that he's been neglecting me because he's been juggling 3 jobs, and that lately, I've been cold towards him because of it. I guess I have.

"I love you."

No, you dont, I said.

"I don't want to keep you tied down. You can get someone better than me, someone who can give you what you need."

I told him I didn't want anyone better. I was in love with him.

I was just waiting for it. The "I think we should break up" part of the speech.

For the first time ever, I cried in front of someone other than my mom. And I don't think I've cried in front of her for years.

"Please don't cry...don't cry...you don't know how much it hurts me to see you cry over me. I'm not worth it."

He is worth it, I thought. He's the first guy I've ever cried over that was actually worth it.

He thought I didn't love him anymore. He said I looked at him with anger; that my eyes were filled with unhappiness when I looked at him.

What he said was true, but it wasn't. I've been upset by him lately. He's been disappointing me. There were times in the past months that I've cried over him and wanted to wring his neck. But I never for one second didn't love him.

"I've been treating you like crap. I don't want to hurt you."

I know what it is to be treated like crap by a guy, and this wasn't it.

The more he begged for me to stop crying, the more I cried. He said it was killing him, I told him he was lying. I asked him if he ever loved me. I guess I knew the answer...he did love me, he still does...but I was in so much pain, I knew saying that would hurt. I wanted him to understand how much he was hurting me.

He gave me a choice. He told me he wants to be with me, but it's unfair to me. I could either stick it out with him and realize that we won't see each other as often as we want to. Or I could break up with him and find someone who has more time to spend with me.

I knew my decision before he even gave me a choice.

I don't want someone who simply has more time to spend time with me. It could never compare to what I have with The Boyfriend. He's been there for me since day one, in big ways and small. Who else would go out to Shoprite at 3am because I want Italian Ice? Who else could I spend days in bed with, not doing anything all day? Who else can I kiss in the morning with gross breath and no makeup on and still feel absolutely beautiful?

I can't give it all up, no matter how hard it will be to make it work. I can't give up the silly nicknames, endless cuddling, the kisses on the forehead, the way he makes me feel like everything will be ok. Isn't it the quality of time spent over the quantity?

I know it'll be hard, and maybe, in the end, staying with him will hurt me more than ending it now. But I can't give up the best thing I've ever had. I'm not ready to let go just yet.

(2004-12-27 - 11:44 a.m.)