After over a year hiatus...

Why is it impossible to get over those people that hurt you the most? The rational part of my brain tells me he's not worth the pain, but I'm not known for being rational. He hurt me once and then I went back and voluntarily got my ass kicked again...I don't deserve to complain about it.

I wanted to get the upper hand, but I guess that's not possible when you never quite fully got over someone, and that someone was never into you in the first place. I was just another notch in the bedpost, another girl he duped.

The Bf and I are going through a rough patch now too, and I can't quite figure out why. He does things that hurt and upset me sometimes, and I retaliate with my token passive aggressive anger. My sarcasm that he hates so much because I turn hurt into humorous anger. I love him, with everything I have in me. And he says he loves me, but sometimes actions speak louder than words. And as of late, his actions have been hurting. He told me he doesn't want to hurt me, doesn't want to make me mad, doesn't want to fight. But he does. But I guess I do too.

In a way, I miss those stupid relationships. Those relationships that you have fun in, you never fall in love, and you never get hurt. But I guess I was never in love with C. I was never in love, but I slept with him, so the results were disasterous just the same. So he had fun, he never fell in love, and he never got hurt. But I got attached.

It's funny, I never regretted sleeping with him, until last week, when he had to rub it in my face. Like he was proud, like I was just another virgin he succeeded at seducing. And I don't understand where it came from. Especially after the last conversation we had. He apologized, he asked me back. I had never seen him let his guard down. But I was with Bf back then. I wonder if I would have gone back to him if I wasn't.

I'm a fool...

(2004-12-26 - 7:48 p.m.)