Do I sound like I'm losing my mind? Yes.

I can't deal with my own thoughts sometimes, especially once I start diving deep into the topic of *him*.

I keep coming to all these conclusions about my feelings for him and the validity and intensity and point of them. In one of my little depressed fits of anger and sadness a couple of weeks ago, I thought that maybe my feelings for him were all just cultivated because I'm actually afraid of anything real; a real relationship, a real tangible possibility of anything. I thought that maybe I made up this huge intense passion for him in my own little head and it didn't really exist, because it was something I probably couldn't have, at least not soon and not easily. And so it was safe that way. It was safe to love someone I thought I couldn't have because it was at a distance where I could just have all these feelings and not worry about having to actually show them to him.

And I've been really thinking, very hard, about this theory of mine, and really discussing it with myself the past few weeks, and I think that maybe that theory was all shit. And (now this is getting complicated) maybe, I actually thought of that little theory as a way to supress the intensity of my feelings for him. I thought any possibility with him was really far away and impossible, but now I'm starting to think it's not. And I'm not afraid of it, and I'm not running away from it. I really want it.

What I'm feeling can't just be made up. I can't just produce false feelings like that. I remember calling the Smell-ster the night I met him, and I remember saying "wow, I'm in love." Was I? I don't know. I do know however, that he's an amazing person, and I've known that from the first day I talked to him, four years ago. And he's reminded me of it every day, every single conversation. Every single joke and every quick email asking me how I am, and every conversation where he calmed me down after I freaked out about something dumb and every stupid and hilarious conversation in the middle of the night. And then finally, after 3 years of this, I get to see it in every smile, and hear it in every laugh, and feel it in every breath.

So did I fall in love the first day I met him, from that first time I held his hand? I don't know. Was it when we sat across from each other, eating and laughing, and I looked at his face and studied every freckle and the way his eyes crinkled when he laughed? Maybe. Was it when I lay next to him and felt his chest and heard his heart beat and looked into his eyes while he scratched my back just the way I like it? Perhaps. Was it when I caught my breath when he put his finger on my lip and mischeviously smiled? Who knows? I feel it though. What I'm feeling right now is something I'm not capable of creating.

So is it real? Yes. Will I ever have him? I don't know. Will this end up really hurting in the end? It might. Will I go forward and do something, or will I wait? I'm not sure yet. Is this healthy? Maybe not. Do I care? Nope. Do I feel good right now? I feel like I'm falling, and I don't know where or if I will ever land, but I'm ok with that. I feel good.

(2003-04-14 - 11:01 p.m.)