I dont know

So tonight I cried over a guy for the first time.

As he told me about her, and how they've talked on the phone for hours, 4 times since he met her last week, I think I realized that he would never feel like that about me. He would never care so much about me that he would even want to listen to me for hours 4 times a week.

Am I just a convenience now? Someone to hang out with when no one else is around?

They kissed. He wants to stick around and see what happens with this girl..this girl who's 5 years older, with a history of drug addiction, and an ex boyfriend that she still sleeps with. He wants to stick around because he likes her. In that way. That way that I wanted so badly for him to like me in.

And now I'm trying to figure out why. Some people just don't click in that way, that's logical right? What was it about her that drew him to her? How did she manage to capture him like that? What did she do right in 5 minutes that I've been doing wrong the past few months?

And what is there left to do? I wish I could just find a way to simply stop liking him, but I guess that would be too easy. I was so close to telling him tonight, telling him that I liked him. I think I wanted to do it just to completely mangle things, completely ruin them. Just so I would know that it's done, so he could explain to me he just liked me as a friend, and then I could start moving on.

But I guess I still have that little sliver of hope, that maybe..just maybe, he would come to his senses and realize that everything he wants is ready and willing and just waiting for him.

I took his picture out of my wallet though.

(2003-01-07 - 3:46 a.m.)