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So, yea, that thing with that boy and the fluttery heart and me having a lovely time didn't really work out. I think. I'm just guessing here based upon the fact that we haven't spoken to each other in a week, even when we actually spent about 5 hours together.
But, if you would refer to my last entry (please do so because I'm not putting in a link because yes, I'm just that lazy), that thing with Cute Work Guy does seem to be working out. We played a little phone tag and ended up talking for quite a bit today, and he was all I'm Attracted To You Grody. And I was all I'm Attracted To You Too, Cute Work Guy. Something like that. So we decided to hang out and be attractive and attracted together.
In other Grody is a Whore news, my Ex Something Or Other But Not Really was bored so he's like Dude let's hang out. And I was like Dude, let's not. But somehow Dude let's not, turned into Dude, let's. So he came over here and we took a walk and we sat in the park. And unlike when I was actually Something Or Other-ing with him, I didn't feel pangs of severe naseau and claustrophobia. I had fun. I enjoyed his company.
And that seems to be my problem. I can like a guy and think he's really great and smart and fun and cute but when anything substantial happens or when there's a hint of something substantial or even semi-subtantial or even somewhere on the edge of semi-substantial, I freak. And I don't know, did I ever like the guy? Is it an issue of validation?
Why did I have fun with this Ex Something Or Other But Not Really tonight, but not when I hung out with him in the metaphorical field of Possibility of Something Substantial? What is with that?!
I'll be honest with you (yes, all three of you that read this). I am a person that needs validation. I need to feel liked and needed and important. And when someone makes me feel like I'm not important, that's when I feel like shit. And I don't like relying on other people to make me feel good.
Is that what it is? Am I looking for validation? Why would I need validation? It's not like everywhere I go people throw things and spit at me. I have a wonderful mommy, and wonderful friends that let me know that I'm wanted and liked and so on and so forth.
Maybe it's not so deep, maybe I'm just being all Freudian for nothing.
...maybe I just want someone to cuddle with?

(2002-11-03 - 12:14 a.m.)